I got a political cartoon published in three different newspapers around Oklahoma. Large newspapers, too, in big cities. Stillwater, Kingfisher, and Edmond. I am proud of that. It will be a great thing to put on the resume later.

I have some things I need to get uploaded on here, I just have been extremely busy even though finals were last week. Once I get my apartment cleaned up and reorganised things shouldn't be as hectic (and I should be able to find everything).

I have jury duty May 18th, but I'm hoping that will be over in a day or so. It's a very touchy and irritable subject for me, so I don't really want to get into it, but I think it's a bunch of crap. *zips mouth*

And summer school starts June 1st and goes until July 28th for me, but it's only one class... the homework shouldnt' be outrageous, but I have to work every day except Sunday to maintain the hours I need to keep rent up and be able to stock back like $50 each time in order to pay for next semester since it looks like none of my scholarships are going through. I have been applying like a madwoman.

Commissions?

With that said... I need money. And I am thinking about opening myself up to commissions for the summer. If you are interested, please let me know. It won't be terribly expensive, and I'll figure out the details if enough people show interest in it. I have a lot to do this summer so it just depends on the level of interest weighed against that.

Ramblings

Here is where you might not want to read on... it gets long.

It's euphoric to go back in time and listen to bands you put on the shelf for a while, for whatever reason. I am listening to some older Seether and it pleases me. It brings back memories and that's not always a good thing, I think. The memories, specifically. Thinking is a good thing in general. Knowing that I have memories and that I ponder them so seriously makes me happy, even if it really makes me sad sometimes. I just like that I am a thoughtful person, I guess, is what I am getting at.

Do you think I’m faking when I’m lying next to you? Do you think that I am blind, nothing left for me to lose? Must be something on your mind, something lost and left behind. Do you know I’m faking now?

I know it's not a good thing to dwell on the past or the future. The present is what is most important. But sometimes I can't help it. I have to worry and fret and plan the future; I have to sit down and think about what has passed me--did I enjoy it? did it make an impact? what kind of impact? was it a good or bad thing that happened, that I did? And most of all, would I do it again?

My best friend just graduated from college. ~Sleepwalks [link] I should graduate next year. I've always been a year behind her, and that's okay. I am watching her. The things she does, the way she is adapting and changing. And I wonder, will I be that way? Just how calm and collected is she under her skin right now? How exited? How scared? How confident and happy?
She already has a job--an illustrator for Tate Publishing, right out of college. Immediately, the Monday after she graduated she had it, and that was because she interned there over this last semester of hers. I wonder, should I look for an internship my final semester? I don't think my specific degree requires it like hers. I think I just have to do Senior Exhibition, but I am not sure, either.

Right now, I am stuck in the past and future, wondering and wishing. Wondering about what I should do, what I will do when the time comes, and whether or not it will be the best step. Actually, I am very confident in myself for once in my life. I am certain in my direction, in what I want to do for a career. I am certain that I will not give up until I have what I want and I can only hope it makes me happy like I think it will. So whatever I choose I know I will be making the best step for me at that time, utilizing all the information given to me to make the choice.
I think a part of me just wonders if I really will be good enough. But I have grown a lot, and maybe I am not the best artist in the world, but I am getting better all the time, and I think I finally have a stable style of my own. And what is so great about my style, is that it is adaptive. I can completely mimic another person or morph another person's into my own, or I can make it look realistic, or cartoony, or ... I like to think of myself as a jack-of-all-trades. And maybe I don't know all the trades right now, but give me enough time and I can learn it and do it well. Maybe not the best, but well, and it will always be MY best and that is what counts to me.

And I am stuck in the past because I keep thinking of simpler times. Times when I had enough time to go home and sit for hours doing art, playing video games, reading a book, and all in the same night! I work so much now, and when I have class I have to attend and then make time for homework, that when I get home, I either make time for fun and miss out on some sleep, or just go to sleep. I don't think it's much of a life, considering what I like to do...
But I keep telling myself, one more year. You can do this for one more year. This last year and a half has flown by, since I started working at Red Wing. And then once I am out of college, no more homework, no more finals, no more tests... Just work until I can find a job as a concept artist for video games or something similar. I will have time to do more enjoyable, fun things. I look forward to it. And you know, I used to diss the 9-5 grind, but I yearn for it now. Working 10-7 is miserable because it takes the whole day away from me. I wake up around 8 to get dressed, eat food, and drive to work. I am there until 7 when I get out, go home, shower, eat, and sleep. My only day off is Sunday.

We work ourselves too hard, and I wish I could change it.

I will just make sure I have more time in the next few years. I keep hearing that it only gets worse. Well, I won't let it, because I'm not going to be unhappy for all of my life.